a collection of paradoxes.

This blog is impossible to look back on without reliving some of the misery. I want to let it go but I don’t want to start a new one.

#firstworldproblems

Sorry, not sorry.

I’m not keeping track of how long it’s been since we last spoke.

Or who said what last.

Or analyzing your last words to me in case there’s something I missed, or a chance that we can work out.

I’m always going to care for you and miss the best parts of you. I’m going to forget the negatives, forgive you for the hurt and just let it go.

This time I’m at peace.

The self acceptance. The ‘this is who my mistakes have made me into and I need to deal with this current version of myself’ moments. The ‘it will get better’ moments. The ‘everything is going to be just fine because I am here and I am choosing to stay here’ train of thought.

Then those waves hit shore and I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t want to be here anymore. Make it stop, because I am so done with this.

But I still get out of bed. I still try to act like everything is normal and bordering on fine when really I am so hopelessly lost at sea, I would rather have drowned instead.

Of people. It’s weird. Kind of like death, your whole relationship with the person flashes before you and it just makes it harder. But I can’t live now based on feelings from three years ago.

• I hate cats. I just can’t do the cat thing. I joke a lot about being a crazy old cat lady, but the irony is that I really fucking hate cats. Sorry, not even sorry.
• Pumpkin. WTF is this shit. It’s terrible. Let’s stop pretending it tastes good. It’s only passable when mixed with other stuff, essentially covering up its pumpkin taste. Can’t do the pumpkin thing.
• Fifty Shades of Grey. Setting both fictional and non-fictional women back to the beginning of time. The fangirls who don’t see that are obviously brain dead. Can’t. Ugh. Disgusting.

That’s all for now.

I feel good today.

Not fantastic or even great. Just good.

And that’s good enough for now.